


love, and other 4-letter words

by VolunteerFieryDantooinian



Series: ardentem colorem [2]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Character study (sort of), Crying, Drabble, Fluff, Gay Character, Gen, Homophobia, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Near Drowning, Reflection, Sabine is implied to be force-sensitive, Self-Hatred, space mom hera
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-26 02:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10777248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VolunteerFieryDantooinian/pseuds/VolunteerFieryDantooinian
Summary: Maybe if she stopped running from her past, she could fix it a little quicker.





	love, and other 4-letter words

**Author's Note:**

> Ok I like Ursa Wren as a character, she's really, really cool, but Hera is still the best mom ever™ and Ursa Wren is (or maybe was) an abusive asshole  
> Hera is just. Full mom mode in this.  
> Also, the near drowning is pretty brief, but it's from the line "Sabine wasn't about to do that and miss, so she would walk the rest of the way." To "They had to go on, or none of this would be worth it."

Sabine sat in the darkened cockpit and thought, leaning back in the worn, paint-splattered leather of the copilot's seat. 

It had been a while since she'd sat here like this, relaxing with Hera during their decreasing amount of free time, wearing civilian clothes to boot. Except she wasn't wearing her boots right now, just a pair of rainbow socks Ketsu had made for her, a tank top so covered in paint she couldn't really remember what the original color was, and a pair of athletic shorts. 

Force, if her mother saw her right now, she'd be  _fuming._

Sabine wished she'd never stayed behind on Krownest, wished she'd stayed with  _this_ family. She had stayed because they needed help, and because her mother, or, Ursa, anyway, had guilt-tripped her into doing it. 

It only took her two days to call Hera to come get her, while she was having a breakdown in the kitchen at 3 AM. She got there at around 6, which was a new record. (Sabine was still crying when she got there, which was also a new record.)  

She was twelve when she had left home for good. It hadn't been on her own accord, but she'd tried before that. Her father had been taken the year before, and her mother grew harsh and distant. Sabine was sent to the academy after a year of endless troublemaking and vandalization, with her mother hoping it would "straighten her out" or whatever. Her coming out had been the final nail in the coffin, she knew. 

 The academy hadn't straightened her out. It had just broken her, left her like this, and the damage had been more than emotional. She'd almost died twice, and she had lost 2 of her fingers in an explosives accident. They'd been taught to withstand torture, and the professors had been mostly cruel and controlling, with the exception of her diving instructor. People acted like the Empire was the be-all end-all there, when everything that went on displayed the exact opposite. It was dangerous, especially towards her last days there when she grew more and more rebellious.

Sabine didn't like wondering about what would have happened if she had never been sent there, or if she had never left. Never met her family. Stayed and worked on the weapons the empire was making. She would probably be dead by now, honestly.

She had barely survived Ketsu's departure, remembering how she'd been left injured and freezing on the streets of some backwater planet. It didn't take long for her to take a job she couldn't handle, and when she'd been backed against the wall, way in over her head, Kanan had stepped in and saved her ass. 

Sabine was interrupted from her deep, nonlinear introspection by Hera's voice: 

"We just got a call from one of our sources. They said that they need someone to pick up some supplies from a crashed imperial transport, and it needed to be fast. The problem is actually finding the damn thing. It's on a very rainy, muddy planet, some backwater hole I've only heard of once or twice. Or'gain, I think it's called, in the western reaches. Mostly human population, but there's an imperial presence there, so we have to be careful." She informed, and Sabine nodded.

"I'll go get ready." She gave Hera a small salute, and rushed to her bunk. Sabine dressed quickly, making sure the shirt she got was one of the warmer ones, and nearly fell when she was pulling on her boots. She attached her armor and utility belt, and headed back up to the cockpit, jumping into her chair and spinning around with a flourish to face Hera.

 "Ready to go, Captain?" Teasing was evident in her voice, and she already knew the answer.

"You were the one that wasn't ready, but yes." Hera laughed, and flipped a few switches, making the jump to hyperspace. "It'll take us about an hour to get there."

Sabine relaxed, putting her headphones back on and turning up her music. She figured she should do some reading up on this planet before they went there. Pulling out her holopad, she was able to find intel on it in a few clicks. 

Or'gain was a freezing, rainy planet for most of the year, with swamps scattered around. Most of the major cities, though there were few, were on the coastline. There was a lot of water to be found there, enough to make her nervous, something uncomfortable and cold pooling in her stomach. She closed the page when she got to the part about the disappearances in the marsh, the sudden drownings. The people found dead and decaying, lungs full of muck and swampy water. Sabine went pale just thinking about it. 

"Are you ok?" Hera inquired, clearly for the second time, muffled by her sick beats, and Sabine snapped out of her daze, pulling her headphones down. "You look really pale, kiddo, what's wrong?"

"Do I?" She inquired, and raised her hand a little, examining it. Sure enough, her fingers were trembling ever so slightly. "Huh." Hera gave her a concerned look, but Sabine shrugged it off. They were almost there anyways. No turning back now.

"Alright. We have the coordinates, but they aren't exact; we'll probably have to walk for a little bit." The ship trembled a little as they exited hyperspace, and there it was. Or'gain wasn't really that bad, by the look of it, but it looked at least slightly miserable. Hera circled the planet before pinpointing the location, and started their descent. It was pretty smooth, but the ship rocked a little when they got into the storm clouds. Hera found a clear spot to land that was as close to the wreckage as possible, and they trudged out into the mud. It really was wet and freezing, almost like a rainforest, and Sabine's boots were absolutely covered in muck. It squelched beneath her feet and sucked at her shoes as they walked, cold seeping in, even in her warm clothes. 

The trees were tall and gray, and it had started to rain, making the sky gray too. She looked over at Hera, and decided that they would be very easy to spot in this dreary, desolate place. Orange, green, purple, and pink, some of the brightest colors there were, against gray and brown. Sabine flinched when they reached a creek of sorts. They were right around where people had been found dead, and she wasn't too keen on being another one of those.

Carefully, she waded through the icy water, which trickled into her boots and soaked her pant legs in a way that was even more uncomfortable than usual. "Sabine, watch out, that mud patch right there looks particularly treacherous." Hera warned, just as she was about to step there. She backed up and tested it with one foot, and deemed it safe enough. They were close enough to jump to the other bank, which was what Hera did, narrowly making it onto the shore. Sabine wasn't about to do that and miss, so she would walk the rest of the way. 

It happened faster than she thought it would, everything going speeder-crash slow motion, as her foot slipped in the treacherous muck and she went under, leg thoroughly stuck as she tried not to scream. Something terrifying exploded in her chest and she struggled, trying to escape the muck and waist-deep water, splashing like her life depended on it, because it did, and her lungs ached deeply with prickling cold. She had to breathe, kriff, she had to, and she struggled harder but her leg was still stuck no matter how hard she pulled. Right as her lungs involuntarily spasmed, quick and painful, and she couldn't hold her breath any longer, a pair of strong hands firmly gripped her shoulders and with much effort freed her from what would have been a watery grave.

Sabine coughed violently, vision spinning as she choked on muddy water. Her lungs spasmed harshly and she coughed up wet, silty mud. Hera caught her before she could fall into the freezing water, helping her stay balanced. The arm securely around her waist wasn't enough to keep her knees from buckling the second she was sure she was on land. "Easy, now. I've got you, it's ok." Hera reassured, rubbing her back and stroking her dripping wet hair. She was utterly and totally freezing, chills racing down her spine, but after a few minutes she was able to breathe again. They had to go on, or none of this would be worth it. 

"H-Hera, we have to go." She stuttered, teeth chattering, and Hera frowned. 

"Are you sure?" She said softly, and Sabine nodded fervently. She pushed herself to her feet and her vision went gray, but she managed to stay upright. Hera wrapped an arm around her waist to steady her, and they made their way to the wreck without incident. There were only a few crates left; the rest had been looted, or weren't anything of interest. Hera insisted on taking 3 and Sabine taking 1, which she thought was unfair, but Sabine wasn't in much of a state to argue right then. They cautiously made their way back across the river, with a few near disasters, but nothing that bad. She was shivering violently by the time she stumbled up into the cargo hold, setting down her crate and somehow making it up the ladder.

"I'm-I'm gonna go dry off." She mumbled, still soaked to the bone and freezing. It took her a while to get to her room, but she got there. She fumbled with her armor and belt, but eventually got those off, and pulled off her boots. Wet clothes were the worst. Quickly, she took off her wet shirt and pants that were, unsurprisingly, also wet, but much less muddy than she had expected, probably because of their second trip through the river. Shivering, she pulled on a pair of pajama pants and a thick sweatshirt, plus a pair of dry socks and a blanket. Force, she hated wet socks.

Sabine exhaustedly staggered into the common room, wrapping the blanket around herself like a cape and collapsing on the couch. She felt the ship jerk and guessed they had jumped to hyperspace, and sure enough, a few minutes later, Hera climbed out of the cockpit, in dry clothes. Quietly, she sat down next to Sabine, giving her a gentle, concerned look. That look was enough to make hot shame and grief rise in her chest, and she looked away, biting her lip hard. 

"Hey, hey, are you- oh dear." Sabine was shaking, and as a sob rose in her chest she latched onto Hera, making a desperately sad keening noise. "It's ok, sweetheart. It's ok." Hera soothed, pulling her close and adjusting the blankets around her trembling frame. Sabine gasped for air in shaky, heaving breaths as she nearly hyperventilated, letting out a high pitched whine. There was a cold, sick churning feeling in her stomach as she tried to breathe. She was freezing, and she clutched Hera's shirt as she sobbed into her shoulder. It wasn't until she started sobbing harder that she began running her fingers through her hair and gently rubbing her back in slow, methodic circles. "Shh, shhh, just get it out. I'm here." Her voice was slightly concerned and very soft. 

"I-I l-left you." Sabine choked out. "I-I stayed o-on Krownest wi-without ever t-telling you goodbye, w-with a family t-that didn't give a damn about me." Her voice was weak and high, thick with tears. Hera pulled her closer. 

"Sabine, dear, your mother guilted you into staying, sweetheart, it wasn't your fault. We love you, no matter what. You never have to go back there if you don't want to." She soothed, and Sabine let out a choked, painful sob, crying even harder into her shirt, and Hera gently brushed her hair out of her eyes, holding her gently. She cried until she physically couldn't cry anymore, and sat there shaking in her arms, shaking so hard she thought she was going to shatter. There was a soft feeling in the air, like the force was a blanket now too, and she relaxed a little. Hera was warm and soft, and Sabine didn't feel quite so freezing cold anymore.

"T-thanks. I needed that," she said quietly. "Mom." The word slipped out unexpectedly, and she tensed, afraid she had said the wrong thing. Hera stiffened briefly, but quickly relaxed again, hugging her. 

"Of course, kiddo. That's what I'm here for. Flying and emotional support." 

After all of this time, she was closest to Hera, maybe, not that she could really pick. It was probably because she had acted as a much better mom to Sabine than her biological mother ever had been, probably because she didn't keep her on a leash so short it acted as a noose.  Hera was kind, genuinely so, and seemed to understand the way she thought. Her presence, especially right now, was incredibly warm and comforting.

It was easy to remember the first time Sabine had broken down in front of her. It had been on a mission to Mon Cala, and she had refused to go anywhere near the water alone. Zeb had made a joke that pushed her slightly too far, and the next thing she knew she'd collapsed to her knees on the slick, cold landing platform, shaking so hard she was practically vibrating and gasping for air. She'd been so dizzy she might as well have been drowning.

Hera only took 1 minute to get out of the cockpit and down to where Sabine was, kneeling in front of her and speaking in the softest voice she'd ever heard anyone use. She'd helped her back onto the ship and sat with her on the couch, coaxing out the details of what had happened. After she knew, Sabine kind of broke, hiccuping sobs shuddering through her so hard she thought she would instantly make any Jedi within a star-system's radius cry. Hera had just pulled her into her lap and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, holding her and stroking her hair gently. 

They stayed like that for about an hour, until Sabine tired herself out and eventually fell asleep, still shaky. If how tired she was right now was any indicator, history was likely to repeat itself.

Her mother had never been like that, even when she had been kind. They had never been nearly that close, and it was likely just because of how different they were. Ursa Wren wanted an heir. Hera Syndulla, well, she didn't exactly plan to adopt her, but it happened serendipitously. Like it had with Chopper. And later with Ezra. She just had a sort of warmth to her that made disenfranchised, broken people (and droids) latch onto her. Hera, Sabine had decided, was the definition of the perfect mom friend. Or just mom. 

 It was so weird that she was 19 now. Looking back, she remembered how tough the days were after Ketsu left, but before she joined the crew. She had good reason to assume she would die. The empire had been surprisingly prevalent on that world, and it had been cold and rainy during the day and freezing at night. It sounded more like Or'gain than she had realized, which was a cruel twist of irony.

She had been so skinny, so pale and drawn she had looked like one of the specters in their call-signs, especially since the academy nightmare. The Empire kept their recruits that way, made them desperate, but not so desperate their work effort decreased. Years later, she still had issues from that. 

Sabine, for once, actually managed to stop thinking about it. She was too tired to deal with this shit now. Exhaustion was flooding through her, and she curled up against Hera, cocooning herself in her blanket. She wrapped an arm around her, stroking her hair gently, and slowly, Sabine dropped off to sleep, worn out from crying, and for once, she felt safe. Hera's words echoed in her head as she drifted.

_You never have to go back there if you don't want to._

**Author's Note:**

> ten points to anyone who got the planet thing


End file.
